I'm going out at night again because I've been getting up late again.
I tried to apply for an insurance program and I got disqualified because of suicidal ideations. They don't think I'm capable of "living safely in the community".
I disagree I think it's BS. I think it's stigma and discrimination against people with mental illnesses.

Admin wrote:

I plan to daily listen to my own meditation that I wrote about self-tolerance:

"Self-Tolerance Meditation"
by Carol

I tolerate self.
I tolerate others.
I tolerate my body.
I tolerate being in my body.
I tolerate the world.
I tolerate being in the world.
I tolerate my life.
I tolerate life.

This meditation is designed for my emotional distress because I cannot tolerate things very well in life and in the world and in myself and in being human at large. It's also good for managing anger and extreme anxiety. It's also good for feeling like ending it. It helps me slow down and not be so panicky.

It also helps me because there are many fluffy meditations about self-esteem and affirmations which may be okay for many others but all they do for me is basically tell me in a fancy way to f myself. "Love yourself..." "Tell yourself you're beautiful and look in the mirror..." Ew.

Henceforth designing this meditation.
It is very straightforward and fril-less. all it basically tells you to do is chill and accept.
It may inspire radical acceptance.
I've never been able to tolerate myself very well due to having been bullied and abused extensively in many ways.
Like my mental wellness process in general, it has been the only thing that's really reached to me.

C.

Gravity grounding:

"Letting gravity pull me down into the chair bed floor or ground will automatically help me breathe."

The sensation of gravity. Knowing I don't have power over gravity unless I'm in space. I'm on Earth. That's where gravity is. Once I'm grounded literally I'm aware of my breath.

Carol E.

There's also an anger management meditation that I'm working on or at least some kind of a mantra that I'm working on or a tool that I'm working on and the above about gravity will help me with that.

I can use it separate from what I'm about to mention or I can use it together with what I'm about to mention.

AI suggested, last night, when I was asking it about anger management, that I "count to 10". I don't like counting because that's another trigger and that makes me angrier. People that meant well continually told me to count to 10 when I was angry. They also told me to take deep breaths. When I was abused, my abuser has told me to take deep breaths and count. So those don't work for me. That's why I've specifically designed my meditations contrary to what most conventional meditations will dictate: breathing deeply and counting.

Instead of counting, what I have invented has been this:

Reciting four colors.

Red, yellow, green, blue, white,.

That helps me visualize cooling off my anger. I validate that I'm on fire when I'm angry. I validate the red. Then I validate an image of the sun being out everything is okay. That's yellow. Green I'm lying on the green grass. Everything is okay. Blue I am sitting by a lake. I am tranquil. I'm calming down. White I am walking in the snow on a winter day with my coat on and feeling cozy and warm. I'm no longer angry.

This shows that we can take command of our behavior.

Carol E.

The neighbors have been keeping me awake so that I have been getting up at 1:00 p.m. everyday. Even though I go to bed at midnight, I don't fall asleep till around 4:00 or 5:30 in the morning because of their shaking my room.
I made a couple of appointments including a psych appointment. I see the psych in a couple of weeks and a therapist in 3 weeks. They're generated by the community clinic that I've been going to lately. Had some blood work done that was routine. They wanted me to do some cancer screening but initially I accepted and today I declined because I think cancer screening causes me more anxiety. I called them today and told them I wasn't interested after all. I also told them that I wanted to continue my allergy treatments. I had a little mix up with the pharmacy; they took forever to deliver my medication for my blepharitis. I think they charged me for the medication I'm not sure if my insurance covered it or not. I guess I'll find out if I get a bill hehe.
I'm not happy with my circadian right now. I'd like to get up at 9:00 a.m. and go to bed at midnight. That's a pretty good schedule for me but it doesn't work very well when I'm kept awake all night.
C.