Admin wrote:

DKYS! Don't **** yourself.
I'm not you but I do relate to the pain.
You're in the right place.
Talk anytime.
CEROL

I didn't expect...😫

I don't expect anyone to answer. Even if they do I'm not sure I'll believe anything positive they have to say to me because there's a voice in my head right now that's telling me unequivocally that I'm a really terrible bad person.
As obedient servant of the laws and rules of the internet, I'm required to tell you that I'm *not* about to unalive myself.
But I'm feeling totally hopeless right now.
I promise I won't do that. I just need to process my feelings and my thoughts right now and I think this place may hold space for me. I hope so. I don't expect anyone to answer.
Okay here we go I'm going to take a leap of faith and talk to somebody one more time by coming here.
I left my treatment program.
I told him I would stay but something happened the other day to drive me away at last.
I'm stable with my meds and I will try and find another provider. I was seeing someone at the treatment program and I have a supply of meds currently.
It's group therapy that's bothering me. Maybe I'm better with one-on-one. The group therapy and going to any support group for having any support system now completely and totally turns me off. I just spoke to an AI therapist and they kept saying that I need to go and find other people that will be supportive such as organizations and online groups etc. I can't afford therapy except what's already in my network. And I don't have many options in fact I have almost zero options.
Even when someone gives me positive feedback I don't believe it. There is a tape or a voice or a mental processes whatever you want to call it that is insisting that I am a bad person and that I need to go and end myself even though I have promised not to act on those impulses and I won't.
I recognize that mental illness and depression can be very dangerous when it's undisciplined and unmonitored. It can be dangerous when it's not treated too.
Part of the treatment is being able to connect with peers and group members etc. It's not just reaching out to staff and mental health providers and mental health workers. One of the most powerful parts of treatment is the peer process.
But I don't feel worthy of it.
I have been told verbally and nonverbally that I am not worthy of it.
I think I am the worst person on the planet and I need to go. I'm just processing my feelings please don't worry about me I'm not about to go and do anything but I feel like I need to do something about this. I don't think I have any help of surviving here and that is the truth. When it has been run into the ground and run into your you know what over and over and over and over again that you are not worthy and you are not a good person you are not a nice person you are not a cool person and when you're told these things verbally and nonverbally it starts to get to you after a while! It starts to get to you. And there is nothing anyone can say after a certain point that can make you change your mind.
I don't expect anyone to answer and I hope I don't get kicked off here.
Understand the administrator is very sympathetic but I hope I don't get kicked off by board host.
Please I need at least a space to talk.
Anonymous female.